


Chocolate Cake

by DragonLdy



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-09
Updated: 2018-01-09
Packaged: 2019-03-02 18:05:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13323600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DragonLdy/pseuds/DragonLdy
Summary: Buffy comes back with fewclear memories of heaven, I read about the chocolate cake idea from the story "Ïf I saw you in heaven" It struck me as one of the most important points ever made. I hope you like this oneshot.





	Chocolate Cake

To Buffy waking up in that coffin had been hell, to know heaven and to be ripped from it and shoved into a world of pain, doubt, struggle and strife, she was now in hell. She didn't know why she was able to talk to Spike about these things and not her so called friends or even Giles. Maybe it was because she had spent more time with Spike over the months leading up to her death and the weeks after than she had spent with the rest of them. He always came with her on patrol and though she would make a show about complaining about it she did like the company. It was lonely always being alone. Giles was back but he had packed a small case, she didn't want to come across as whiney and clingy but she had this sense of dread he would have brought more if he was planning to stay long.

Then the demon attacked the house and she saw it bent over Dawn and she saw red. She was pretty sure she blacked out because somewhere between grabbing the creature and pulling him off her sister she had pummelled his head in to mush, by the time Spike managed to get a firm hold of her and pull her off her fists were hitting through what was left of his skull and hitting the wooden floor beyond it and she was still trying to hit him. In a distant sort of way she knew there was noise in the room as if people were shouting but all she could hear was the blood rushing in her ears. Gradually she returmned to her self with the feel of Spike's blunt teeth on the back of her neck, not in a painfull way but in astrangely comforting way. "Dawn is she alright?" She asked in a shakey voice as she searched the anxious faces in the room.

Ï sent her upstairs with Tara pet, it was..she was getting a bit upset." Spike answered. Buffy found herself matching Spike's deep even breaths which were surprisingly soothing and the fog at the edge of her vision was beginning to clear.

"How long was I...?" She didn't know what word to use for what had happened, blackout didn't sound right was 'redout' a thing?

Äbout twenty minutes." Giles answered from the other end of the hall, his voice reminded Buffy of all all the things she was supposed to be doing and she realized she was still sitting in Spike's lap with both of his arms around her in a restraining hold and she made a move to get off of him even though it was the last thing she wanted to do, Spike felt strong and safe even though no one else in the room would describe him like that. "Can you tell us what happened Buffy?" His voice was full of concern but she could see how relieved he was that she was getting out of Spike's lap. Did it really matter more to him that she not get comfort from a vampire than that she was well? For the first time Buffy really looked at the man in front of her and things he had said to her over the years came back to her; his dislike of California sunshine, how he had only moved to the hellmouth to be her watcher, not to defend it himself , his suggestion that they kill Dawn, he had left Dawn and the Hellmouth to return to England because his job was done. Buffy felt strangely empty at the way she was now seeing him as if for the first time in the clear light of day.

"No, I mean when I got back that first night and those bikers were vandalising the place I missed time, I don't even remember climbing the tower." She answered.

"Climbing the tower? You mean the night you... the night we fought Glory?" Giles asked in concern.

"No the night I came back I climbed the tower and tried to jump but Dawn stopped me, she said she needed me." Buffy's voice was totally deadpan as she spoke and realised that this was the first time any of them had heard about her second time climbing the tower.

"Buffy why?" Willow had this look of betrayal on her face that left Buffy feeling empty, why was she responsible for everyone? Why was everyone's happiness on her shoulders? Wasn't it enough that their safety was? Again she felt the taste of bitterness stirring within her as she stood on only slightly shakey legs. 

Ï couldn't understand what was happening." She said without looking at any of them and started to make her way toward the stairs while calling over her shoulder "Don't worry the tower fell down, its not there any more." That night she slept in Dawn's room keeping a sort of vigil; protecting Dawn that was her purpose. The next morning she woke to the sound of drilling as Xander repaired the door, he liked manly jobs that made him feel needed as he had spent so many of his formative years being emasculated by Buffy and her preternatural strength. 

Jesse; Xander hadn't had many male friends since him and his soul was still hurt from the circumstances of his death and for a moment Buffy truly looked at the events of that night again, she had been overwhelmed; not expecting so many vampires in such a small town that she still didn't know the lay out of. Angel had known; he had mocked her for not figuring out where the entrance to the Master's layer was sooner, he had mocked her for being short, he had warned her of the Harvest without offering or giving any help and they had had to spend hours researching to find out what the Harvest was as it was such an obscure reference. Buffy stared at Xander until he felt the hairs on the back of his neck rise and turned to smile at her, it took her a while to realise what the gesture meant and she smiled back. Sometimes she felt like these social graces had been lost during her death and she had to spend time relearning them, it was exhausting. Everyone was carrying on as normal and the area where the demon had been was washed clean; someone must have been scrubbing for hours, she looked at the discoloured wood for a while before Dawn tentatively took her hand and led her to the kitchen table. Thankfully they were keeping their voices down and not shrieking in that way that hurt her ears anymore. She stirred her spoon through her cereal, not really able to remember having gotten any food, while they talked around her like busy bees.

"Did Spike buy you chocolate cake?" She suddenly asked Dawn who jumped at the sudden question, Dawn paused with the spoon of scrambled eggs and peanut butter (what weird flavours she liked!) half way to her mouth.

"What when?" Dawn asked in confusion and then realisation dawned Öh yeah! I forgot, he did he brought me to the mall during the summer and we went shopping for some clothes and then he brought me to that really expensive cake shop, you know the one with the fancy decoratins on the cakes that are half the size of the ones in the food court but twice the price and they are worth it!" She exclaimed happily, Ï mean they just made every other cake I've ever eaten seem like crap." She said putting on an air of false sophistication. Buffy's brow was furrowed, why out of all the things that had happened here while she was dead did she remember that? She had a feeling she had been watching over them all from heaven but at the same time she didn't remember a lot of things like the fact that they had moved Tara and Willow into her Mom's old room or the fact that they had been planning to resurrect her in her coffin but now she felt like the fog was clearing and she was beginning to remember a few things, it was an odd feeling.

The phone started ringing then and Buffy flinched at the noise, she would disconnect the damn thing if she could just to sop the unexpected high pitched noise it made at random intervils. Dawn went to answer it and then came back looking troubled, she looked around the table accusingly and then knelt next to Buffy's chair. 

ŸOU don't have to talk to him if you don't want to but Angel's on the phone, apparently someone" She gave Willow an accusatory look before turning back to Buffy, "told him you were back. He's on the phone and he wants to talk to you, but you dont have to if you don't want to." Buffy kissed her sister affectionately on the forehead for her thoughtfulness.

"I better talk to him, rip it off like a bandaid or he'll just show up and start watching us in his trademark creepy way." Buffy answered drolly and Dawn giggled at the sentiment, leading her out to the phone and leaving behind a slightly confused Willow and Giiles. For someone who doesn't need to breath (no breath! The memory came to her unbidden like taking a fist to the gut) he sure talked in quite a breathy way. 

Ï can't drive to LA the car insurance ran out while I was dead and no one thought to renew it." Buffy replied dryly to his request that they meet somewhere inbetween. Finally they settled on meeting at the Doublemeat Palace at 9pm, it was an easy distance for her to cover. Buffy sighed and returned to the living room, her cereal having congealed into mush Buffy sighed and brought it back out to the kitchen; food just didn't appeal to her anymore in any form. She spent the day with Dawn going through all the stuff from the flooded basement; most of which had to be dumped and the rest had to be left out in the sun to dry. It was strangely therapeutic to the two still grieving girls to go through all of their late mother's things that had been moved down there when the two wiccans moved in.

At 8:30 she put on her jacket and headed out, Dawn having claimed the tv and enjoing a night on the couch while Willow and Tara did there school work at the dinning room table which had become the study area. Buffy felt strangely light as she walked to the neon lights of the fast food restaraunt, she was armed of course but she also felt light; as if something important was sorting itself out though she didn't know what that could be. The bills were mounting up, she was drowning in lies but Spike bought Dawn chocolate cake; special expensive chocolate cake and for some reason she couldn't remember that was important and made her feel better.

She sat under the harsh neon lights and felt greasy just being in the place, there were several people in ridiculous hats serving food and she realized that no matter how bad things went she must not, under any circumstances end up working here. Angel walked in looking fatter than he ever had, could vampires gain weight? He talked and congratulated her on how well she was adjusting and told her about his trip to get over her death. 

"Sorry what was that about the Powers?" She asked in confusion.

Ï'm the Powers chosen Champion." He said proudly before launching into an explanation about how important it was that he be on top form to fight the good fight and that's why he had gone on holiday. Then he started telling her about the sweet girl he had saved from a demon dimension.

"How old is she?" Buffy asked after a while feeling like this was all following a familiar theme.

Öh young, poor girl, no more than 22 I think." Then he kept talking about how hard it was for her to adjust. After a while Buffy started yawning more out of boredom than actual tirednss and he realized it was probably time to go, she hadn't risen to hug him when he arrived and didn't rise to hug him as he left, he hovered and tried to give her a hug which became an awkward wave when she lied and said that she didn't like being touched since the dead thing. He gave her a look that was probably supposed to be compassionate but just looked pitying and then left. Buffy sighed and leaned back in her seat until a nice little old lady came over to her with two slices of cherry pie. 

Ï hope you don't think I'm being too forward dear but you looked like you needed this." She said giving her a slice and sitting with her. Buffy wiped away some tears that came unbidden, how come a stranger could see her pain and feel compelled to soothe it while her own friends went out of their way to ignore it. Buffy stayed for a little while and listened to the old lady's rambling that was stangely comforting and then bid her goodnight, giving her a kiss on the forehead as a thankyou for her company. Befoe she left she bought two slices of chocolate cake and instead of heading home went to Restfield, part of her wanted to check on Dawn and make sure her night had been demon free, that last one had really sheken her up.

Spike was drinking himself into oblivion with a bottle of Jack, he was angry and felt betrayed; Buffy had gone off with the Great Poofter, he'd stopped by to see if Dawn was ok and how she was doing after the demon attack when he heard she was off with him again. It made his blood boil with anger so when he answered the door he had been fully ready to murder who ever was there but instead he found Buffy, she'd been crying and that made his demon rage inside him. She just smiled tentatively and held up the little take away boxes. The night had started out looking bleak; the poofter had swept into town with his hair gel and was going to make all the girls cry and swoone and he would be left picking up the pieces. Instead it ended with him and Buffy sitting on his couch watching Passions reruns and eating chocolate cake. She asked why he had bought Dawn the other cake but he didn't want to ruin the moment by telling her so he lied and said he couldn't remember, thankfully she didn't press the issue but did give him a little smile that made his heart swell in his chest, 'if only she knew' he thought sadly. Later they went patrolling and he walked her home they killed four vampires and one new fledge so she felt they earned their rest. That night she sat vigil over Dawn again. 

The next day Buffy saw Dawn off to school and then headed to the Magic Box with a very specific idea in mind, Anya was as knowledgeable as you would expect after dealing with magic for onver a milleium and it was only a half hour later before she had all the answers to her questions, Anya also gave her the address of some friendly demons who specialised in deflector spells, they brought them round to the house that afternoon and started setting them up strategically. She would have told the others about it but she could just imagine Willows high pitched shrieking of betrayal as she found out Buffy had asked someone else for something magical other than her, she couldn't deal with the girl's childish behaviour right now because it was too exhausting. A few days later Buffy got a job with campus patrol; the pay wasn't great but it included medical and since the were regularly loosing employees they were eager to have her. She made a cake to celebrate so when she got home Dawn was greeted with the smell of baking and the promise of a visit to the dentist for a check up in one month when their new insurance kicked in. It was a happy day until the three demons came to the house but instead of attacking her they turned around and attacked the black van across the street Buffy realised it was the deflector charm she had put on the house and that the demons must have been summoned by someone. She also went to the bank that day and arranged her mothers estate, thankfully her Mother had had mortgage protection insurance that her not financially savy friends had known about, they really had made a mess of Dawn's- of her's and Dawn's finances. As far as she could tell Willow had lived rent free and hadn't paid utilities during the whole summer instead a lot of the bills had gone into arrears and a lot had been paid out of Dawn's inheritance. Thankfully the financial advisor at the bank was really understanding once she explained she'd been in a coma all summer and that her so called friends had been managing her finances. She spent an afternoon with the financial wizard and went home with a spring in her step ready to sit Tara and Willow down and ...talk- not shout at them for how much debt they had gotten her into, Giles deserved an earful too, Dawn was the Key and her only sister! What the hell had Giles been thinking abandoning her like that?

As she walked home she noticed several people singing and dancing; at first she thought she was in the middle of some weird street performance but then she went to the Magic box and saw Anya singing about money on the table and realized that they all had a bit of a problem. Only she and the other inhabitants of Revello drive remained unaffected (why hadn't she gotten a deflector spell set up around the house ages ago?) On a whim she ran to the cemetary to Spike; at the best of times just hearing his voice made something inside of her tighten but when he sang her knees felt weak. They were kissing over the sarcophagus while music played around them from some unknown source. Spike gave her a disbelieving look as he pulled back; "Did I just serenade you with professions of love like a bloody ponce?" He asked in wonder.

Ï don't know what a ponce is but you did the rest am I really ýour 'glimmering gleaming light and first glimpse of sunshine in a century of darkness?'" She asked with a smile,  
Ëh, yeah," he said scratching the back of his neck uncertainly Äny idea why I'm-"  
"Some spell; everyone in town has caught it, can we keep kissing now?" Spike didn't need to be asked twice and the two continued kissing while Buffy made little appreciative noises in the back of her throat that drove him crazy. That night she brought Dawn on patrol with her as a special treat so the young girl felt closer to her, Spike joined them looking bemused at the younger Summers . They figured out what Xander had done in the end and Anya was released from the hold of the red demon that wanted to marry her, she did not look pleased about nearly being sold into marriage to someone who wasn't Xander but she also seemed more annoyed that he had been messing with her merchandise by using it for spells.

A few days later Willow completely wiped her own memory by trying to wipe Tara's, thankfully everyone else from 1630 was protected but Giles, Spike, Xander and Anya would have had a scary day if Buffy, Dawn and Tara hadn't been there to look after them. Buffy had been unable to stop herself from having a little fun with the amnesiac Spike and pulled him into the dark training room they had a little fun while the others tried to figure out what was happening. When the crystal was accidentally broken and everyone came back to themselves they couldn't help but look differently at the weeping Willow. Giles announced that he was leaving but Buffy cornered him before he did and demanded he take responsibility for the girl who had only started doing blood magic to help them in the first place. She ended up shouting at him about Eyghon and how he of all people should want to help someone who had gone down the wrong path and needed help finding their way back. Giles had sighed and agreed, Willow was smart enough that quiting a semester of school wouldn't kill her and heading to Devon to train with a real coven could do her the world of good. Buffy didn't hug Giles goodbye but she did shake Giles's hand and while squeezing it a little too tight she held his gaze and told him to mind her not because she had fought by their side for years, not because she had risked her life time and time again for them and for the world but because with the kind of power she had they would all be in danger if she continued down the path she was on and Buffy didn't want to have to kill someone else that she loved for the sake of the world. Giles's face had gone grey as she spoke and he tried to protest; after all Willow had never done anything truly evil- Buffy leaned forward then and gripping his head and pulling him down as she whispered menacingly in his ear "She raped her girlfriend; she erased the memories of their fights, I don't know how many times, until Tara was willing and docile and then she had sex with her; that's rape in my book. She ripped me out of heaven, she convinced them all I was in hell and she waited 'til you were out of the country and then she dragged me out of my divine rest!" She hissed in his ear and then shoved him away from her, in that moment she was the Slayer; she had stabbed her lover through the chest to save the world, she had stabbed her sister Slayer in the gutt, she was a killer and Giles felt humbled and scared.

Things got better as time passed, most nights Buffy stayed with Spike; their tentative little meetings turning into real dates where he insisted they not just eat in front of the telly but go to restaraunts and the movies. No one had ever really tried to woo Buffy the way Spike did with flowers and poetry. Riley had been close but long boring drives in his car had taken up most of those outings but with Spike it was different, everything he said was funny or infuriating or both and as a special treat he even got the Desoto registered and insured so he could drive Dawn to school in the mornings. It was weeks before Xander noticed he had all but officially moved into Revello drive and when he started to fume about it at Buffy's birthday party when he realised everyone just looked at him in shock because he was the last person in the crowded room to figure out what had been going on. Dawn had liked Xander but his intolerance had been making them all upset for months it was the only fly in the ointment of what was otherwise a perfect home life with Spike, Tara and Buffy so that day at the guidance councillor's office she had wished that Xander would just be happy for the two love birds so he would not keep snarking at Spike every time he saw him at the house. So it was that about a week later Riley visited looking for demon eggs and Buffy had ducked into the toilet at the patrol staion to call and tell Spike on her cell phone that she'd be home late and that riley was in town, he decided to be mature and keep their relationship a secret as it really wasn't Riley or more importantly the US Government's, who she was pretty sure he was reporting back to, business who she was in love with. Spike smiled down the phone as she said it 'who she was in love with' did she know what little remarks like that did to him? Spike was best man at Xander's and Anya's wedding and headed off the demon that tried to scare Xander away. Spike told Xander 'who needs family when you have friends' as he helped him tie his cumberbumb and Xander smiled at his friend realizing that he was right. 

One day at the Magic Box Buffy saw Jonathan; the shy boy who had once done a world wide spell to make himself a star; he was missing an eye and had apparently lost a friend in a demon attack, Buffy was sympathetic and the two exchanged numbers, he and his friend Andrew had been through hard times but they were really smart when it came to magic and tech stuff. 

The following September the Potentials started arriving and the full affects of Willow's dark magic were fially revealed. Buffy fought bravely with her lover by her side, he called her his sunshine but the truth was he was hers; she had been drowning in the dark pitt of her despair until he had pulled her out, everyone had an opinion on it but all she would say was chocolate cake and give them a smile like she was laughing at some inside joke. 

Angel ranted and raved in anger when he found out about her and Spike, he went on and on about the importance of the soul while the Potentials who had been living in the same house as Spike for months and had been hearing him sing as he did the laundry and play loud music while he did other things with Buffy in the basement which was now their bedroom just looked on in bewilderment. Angel would have preferred to have this conversation in private but Buffy was always in the company of five or more girl as well as Spike, Dawn or Xander. Buffy just sighed in annoyance and looked up at the stars as she zoned out his annoying prattle, that was when the Turok Han attacked and Angel was nearly torn in two while she and the girls killed it. That made him more angry as if she had tried to insult him by having him saved by little girls. Buffy comntmemplated telling him about the spell; the spell that had long ago been cast on her by some cruel demon or entity so she had loved the souled vampire; defying all reason for him, the curse had been broken when she died and even though they had been dark times after she was resurrected she also felt free as if a horrible darkness that she had gradually been strengthening and strangling her was finally gone. She contemplated telling him that she had never loved him that she had been cursed but she saw looking at him now that he needed to believe in the fantasy of their happily ever after more than he needed a firm grip on reality. Finally leaving he gave Buffy the amulet, she questioned where it had come from and when she heard Wolfram and Hart she threw it in his face and stormed away. 

Spike was telling off the annoying potential Kennedy when she got hom and telling her that she was a bully for trying to foist her chores off on other girls and for calling them names and that she should take a look in the mirror to see what a real monster looked like. Spike was invaluable these days and caught the First out a good few times with his sense of hearing and smell as it tried to move through the house and plant seeds of discord amongst the young girls.

Buffy kicked Giles out of the house and told him to stay in a motel if he liked but he was no longer welcome under her roof when he conspired with Wood to kidnap and torture Spike.

At the final battle Riley came through with Napalm and Xander got them a load of cement to drop on the seal. Willow, Tara, Jonothan and Andrew worked together to make a strong light that incinerated the hordes. It stopped that attack but The First had nothing had nothing but time and its grip on this world was firm but Buffy had an army of young girls who had spent the better part of nine months (plus whatever they had learned from their watchers before Sunnydale) training under her and Spike, the indoctrinated patriarchal misogynistic Watcher's council was no more and in its place Giles was putting together a new order. Buffy encouraged him to go back to England to do this because it would be a long time before he was welcome in her and Spike's home again. Principal Woods left the demolished highschool and the cursed town for pastures new. Buffy had broken his ribs when she told him never to touch her vampire again and he decided his revenge could wait a few years, after all Slayers didn't live long.

Nearly all the potentials (except Kennedy) returned to their homes dreaming of vampires choosing to be good for love of them, not one of them thought that Spike was the way he was because of some silly bit of plastic. 

Spike and Buffy lived happily on the hellmouth for many years, they always took a months holiday in the Spring to celebrate beating the annual apocalypse. He made it his mission to make her smile forty six times a day and they were regularly visited by potentials who wanted to train with the best of the best. There were chat rooms and webpages now for all the girls to stay in touch and even those who never became Slayers still became demon hunters. There were even a few who joined the army in their home countries so they would be better able to stop sick organisations like The Initiative, they even got to use rocket launchers.

One day when she least expected it Giles knocked on her door, she hadn't spoken to him in person since he left to restart the watcher's council and rarely spoke to him on the phone, Spike turned out to be more forgiving than her and often emailed him with their latest pictures and gossip about the hellmouth. She didn't welcome him with open arms but motioned to the couch while she sat straight backed in a chair across from him.

"There's no apocalypse or anything I just had to go to LA to dig Angel and his team out of the hole they have dug for themselves, we've had a few people on the ground keeping tabs on them and he has really messed things up for himself this time." Seeing that Buffy wasn't interested Giles continued Ï, eh," he cleaned his glasses nervously Ï was teaching a class to some potential Slayers; we're incorporating classes to make Watchers with the Slayers classes, its prooving quite efficient." Giles looked down and sighed Ï was giving a talk on the soul and the demon transformation in the making of a vampire and all of the young women argued with me sighting Spike as an exception, as proof that love is a possibility without the soul."

Buffy said nothing and continued to stare at him, waiting for him to make a point.

"When i asked what they meant they said 'çhocolate cake' like that was supposed to mean something." Buffy sighed, she had only told the story to a few trusted people who she thought would understand and even they had been people who had already accepted it who had seen the two together and knew that Spike was as capable if not more capable of love than any human.

Ï don't remember much about heaven," sh began feeling some trepidition about baring her soul to this man and telling the man who had once injected her with poison about something so personal. "But when I got back I realised that I had never loved Angel or knew him or even really liked him, I spent twenty two dollars at the magic box one day with Anya who showed me how to do this charm that showed me all the spells that had ever been performed on me and I saw it in the mirror; like black netting winding its way around my whole body and choking all of the light and goodness out of my heart, I have a theory that it was some curse put on me probably by the creepy demon who brought Angel to my highschool when I was first called, it was all some elaborate attempt to hinder me in the mission and of course Angel opening Acathla and coming back from that hell led to two portals being opened and God knows what hitch hiked in on those." Giles nodded while frowning, his thoughts going to The First who had taunted Angel that Christmas and how Angel 's actions in LA although it had seemed like he was doing good had often caused more harm in his dealings with the evil law firm. "So while I was dead my 'friends'" She was still a little bitter about it, "got me into huge debt, neglected my sister who I died saving and used her inheritance to pay for their rent and utilities, meanwhile the souled vampire who claimed to love me went to Tibet for a few months to clear his head and deal with what my death meant for him and his 'destiny' its not a joke he really told me that was what he'd been doing while I was dead. Like my death was only important in relation to his future. And then I remembered Chocolate cake. You see while i was dead the solulless vampire with no conscience drank himself into a stupor every night and spent every day trying to keep a promise he had made me to protect Dawn. He had no way of ever knowing I would be brought back, he had no reason to believe he would ever be going to the same place as me but he lived every day trying to not only protect her but to make her happy and help her with her grief, do you know he used to bring her to pick wild flowers to put on our graves, mine and my mom's?" Buffy was crying now. "He didn't just protect her he helped her to grieve and he took all the crap the Scoobies gave him and he still protected the hell mouth and fought to keep my home safe." Buffy was full on crying now, "He even counted the days that I was gone, did you know that? Everyone else's answer when I asked was a few months or over a month but he counted the days! Ever night he imagined ways he could have saved me, if he'd been faster if he'd been earlier, if he'd grabbed Doc and taken him with him but here was this one night, its a little fuzzy but I remember it he was in the bottom level of the crypt pacing up and down and he suggested, only suggested mind, that if he had gotten to the platform after she was cut he could have pushed Dawn off before I had a chance to jump."

Giles sat back and shifted in his seat, he had suggested killing Dawn when the threat hadn't even been that iminent, "The next day he felt so guilty for even thinking it that he brought Dawn shopping and bought her new jeans as well as fancy expensive chocolate cake. She never even knew what he had been thinking when he was drunk on a whole bottle of whiskey, he had imagined a thousand-a hundred thousand scenarios where he saved me by sacrificing himself or killing this demon or that person sooner but only once did he think about hurting Dawn and he felt guilt for it afterwards. You're entitled to your opinion about vampires Giles but its not my opinion and you don't get a say in how I live my life, you gave up that right when you abandoned my only living family and the hellmouth I spent so long and sacrificed so much to protect." Giles sighed and followed her out to the door where she showed him out. He had failed her as a Watcher, she had been under the influence of a curse the entire time she had been under his charge and he had missed it, he had let that monster Angelus near her and and he had tried to kill the man who loved her and who she truly loved. Giles sat in his car for a while and tried to see himself through Buffy's eyes, it was not lost on him how her hand had repeatedly gone to her elbow where he had put the needle. All the potentials knew about the cruciamentum, she had written rather a scathing essay on it and posted it on one of their chatroom sites. A lot of the potentials refused to be alone with watchers now and even insisted on a buddy system during the months of their eighteenth birthdays. Giles had had to give in to social pressure and go on the internet in search of it. He had never realised how betrayed and heartbroken the young woman was and still is, she had written many posts and made many comments as advice for the young girls like "just because you have to depend on your Watcher doesn't mean you should" "just because you have to trust him doesn't mean you can" focus on getting jobs and putting them first because they will never pa you a wage or support you in any financial way", "Your watcher won't tell you but knowing a little about protection charms and Wicca could save your life", "Your instincts are your ancestral memories as well as your subconscious reason, do not let your watcher undermine your abilities or instincts which they will almost always do", "The Watchers act like they care bout you but they won't give you a wage or pay your bills, this leaves you open to seduction evil who offers to do things like buy you food or a nice place to stay, Faith would not have started working for Richard Wilkins III if she hadn't been hungry and unable to pay for the crappy motel room she was living in for several months." It was full of little passive aggressive comments like that that were tainted with bitterness but true.

As he sat in his rental car he saw Spike come up the drive in broad daylight with shopping bags. Buffy greeted them him affectionately on the steps and led him inside. Giles was about to get out when he stopped himself. Buffy did not want him in his life and he had not earned the right to tell her how to live. She was happy and shining in the arms of her vampire lover. More than he ever could have wished for her to be.

Spike was happy, thank god he had gone back to see if there was any Amara treasure left, thank God that ponce Angel had only smashed the Gem and not done any actual research, thank God the Gem could not be destroyed and was magically designed to always return to the tomb should anyone loose it or try to destroy it, he'd been back to the tomb four times looking for the damn thing every time it went missing which was less now as it sort of got more bound to his essence. 

Life was better than heaven.


End file.
